“So why don’t you go to church anymore?”

As someone who has spent years trying to reform and re-build evangelical Christianity from the inside (and whose graduate research and life experience have centered on diagnosing, explaining, and presenting solutions for evangelical dysfunction),
I am convinced that Evangelicalism is so dysfunctional that I cannot both be part of an evangelical church and be myself, let alone carry out the role and calling that I believe that God has given me for and in the church.

Bluntly, I can no longer attend evangelical churches on their terms.

In the meantime I am faced with questions about “church attendance” whose answers are complex (that is, they have a number of connected pieces) and sometimes complicated (that is, they are tough to understand).

Usually questions about not attending church arise as part of a conversation with Christian acquaintances that we have not seen for a while.  But of course, there’s something wrong with this whole “picture.”  The image above, showing a concerned friend caring for someone who seems sad or to be having difficulties, is not often an accurate reflection of the intention of the questioner nor is this at all the way that such a matter should be discussed.

So let’s rewind a bit.

When I see a Christian acquaintance from someplace that I used to live s/he will occasionally ask, “Where are you going to church now?”

My answer always depends on the context: Who is asking?  What is the setting?  What seems to be their interest level?

For the rare instances when there seems to be a genuine, deeper interest I will typically answer: “That’s a subject that requires a longer conversation.  How do you feel about that?”  In most cases there is neither time nor interest for such a conversation, but I believe that it’s important both to be honest (that for me this is a complex matter) and to help to educate that person (who is most often unaware that church-going is a tricky and sometimes problematic subject).

In the end I mostly answer: “I find that I have incompatible goals with evangelical churches, because I have different core values, even though I consider myself to be an Evangelical. This means that church-going is only possible for me when based on transparency and agreement, rather than simply showing up and following along.”

Not really an answer, though certainly not what was expected.  Their responses range from surprise to concern to disappointment.  “That’s concerning,” or “How can that be?” or “We all have problems with the church.”

The main difficulty with this entire line of questioning is that in 99%  of cases the questioner begins with the assumption–indeed, the understanding–that church is generally good and church-going is necessary and beneficial.  In other words, there is an entire discussion (indeed, an entire way of seeing matters) that, unless undertaken and considered, will mean that even if I reply as straightforwardly as possible to their questions we will end up miscommunicating.

We will end up talking across each other: using the same words but meaning different things (and thus interpreting seemingly “the same” matters entirely differently).  Or better yet, while I will understand my questioners viewpoint my viewpoint will be completely opaque to this person.  Nor is the solution to begin explaining my view of evangelical dysfunction–that conversation would seem even more complicated (and threatening), likely resulting in the other party feeling attacked or set upon.

Instead, my aim is to state my observations / conclusions about evangelical churches and then to follow the flow of their responses.  I do this, to be clear, not with a goal of creating confusion but with a goal of demonstrating that matters of church-going and church environments can be more tricky, and sometimes problematic, than expected.  Raising this awareness is one of many steps that may help to move this person toward becoming able to consider and discuss the deeper and more critical matter of dysfunction and its occurrence within Evangelicalism.

So to statements of concern or surprise I respond: “What concerns you about this?”  or “What surprises you about this?”  To statements of disappointment I would respond: “What did you understand me to be saying?” and then “How important is it to you to address problems in the church?”

Ultimately, I would likely get the point where I would ask “What were your expectations when you asked me where I was going to church?”  and “How well do you think those expectations prepared you for what I told you?”

In other words, my aim is to direct this person to reflect upon her or his own understandings and expectations about church-going.  If we get far enough I may even be able to nudge this person toward reflecting on his or her standards and “boundaries” when it comes to church-going: to reflect on what makes church valuable and what circumstances or situations might diminish that value or call it into question.